How To Keep a Secret in a Joint Family Home

Hopefully you get a good laugh out of all of this...I know I sure am!

So I mentioned a while back about having to have some medical treatments. Well, hubby decided he didn't want to tell his family and I'm okay with that because I feel like medical issues are very personal and this particular one is extremely personal. In the past year Uncle ji has insisted on reading all of my medical reports (not that we always let him) and making his own diagnoses complete with how we went to the wrong clinic and should have went to a different one, etc. I had to start taking my results and files up the steps with me rather than letting hubby have them because he's not as good at saying no to them as I am.

So I kept my files in a red bag and a few times I even hid the bag under my jacket so no one saw me leave the house with it. They ask too many questions already and neither of us is ready to tell them. Well I went out to the doctor one day and I forgot to put the bag under my jacket. Only trouble is hubby had gotten off work early to take me because the office was only open from 1-3 so his mom got suspicious.

So when we got home I went upstairs and MIL stopped hubby. She had all sorts of questions to which he just laughed and got away from her. Then he asked her to have lunch with him and they had to sit face to face. She asked again and he told her he had taken me out to lunch with a friend. He thought she bought it but I'm not that naive so I figured I better do some of my own maintenance to make sure the situation doesn't get out of hand. (Oh and Uncle wasn't speaking to us then so he didn't stick his nose in....which made this easier.)

So I locked up my medical file in the cabinet first thing. It turned out to be a good thing because MIL came into my room early this morning - before I was even awake. Hubby had went downstairs and left the door unlocked and she came in. Nothing like this has happened in well over 9 months now, maybe longer. I wasn't asleep and I heard her come in so I faked sleeping to see what she would do. She came part of the way into the room being as quiet as possible (which is also something I've never seen her do) and I can only assume she was looking around for evidence. Since I was faking sleep I don't know for sure but I do know where she walked to in the room.

Then she came in a total of 6 times in the next 4 hours. Once while I was down in the shower and she went through some things that were not locked up. She moved stuff around and such. I don't think I posted it here but a couple of weeks previously she even pulled back our covers looking for things hidden under our pillows and bedding. So today, knowing she's on recon mode I took all the linens off the bed before I went down. I literally didn't leave her anything to dig through except the one cabinet we have that doesn't lock. All that I have in there are my pants and pajamas so she won't find anything there. And yes, I took the keys to the cabinets with me. It's just sad. She did wind up going into that cabinet and I guess she left in haste because she didn't even bother to close our bedroom doors all the way on her way out. She left behind all sorts of clues that she was in here. And I'm not buying that she felt there was enough laundry in here to warrant coming in that many times looking for it (because she asked me for laundry twice and she took the laundry when I was sleeping - for a total of 3 times to check laundry that morning).

She's still found reasons to come into my room for several days and no this is not typical at all. Most days she comes in and sits with me for a little while after lunch and that's it. It doesn't even happen everyday so I know something is up and the only thing amiss in the household was that she has no idea what I went to the doctors office for. I actually found this funny. She's like that little kid who sees presents under the Christmas tree before Christmas and her mom won't let her open any of them.

She did wind up giving up several days later because we were not telling her anything. I also changed out the red bag for a new one. I just sat back and laughed at all the attempts she's made to find out what's going on when in reality there is nothing important going on. That Christmas present she's thinking she's gonna unwrap is going to turn out to be socks (or whatever the Indian equivalent would be). I'm sure she think she knew what I was just personal and not something she needs to tell all the details of to every family member she comes in contact with - because that's how this family works.

She did wind up telling several family members what she thought was going on and then they questioned me. It's just sad, but this is exactly why you can't tell anyone in your Indian family anything. MIL didn't even know what was going on so she spread what she thought was happening.

So to recap, if you must hide something from your live-in family you will need to:

• have locking cabinets
• place objects inside of bags that they can't see through
• hide things under your coat/jacket/shirt (or inside a purse if they fit)
• lie about where you've been

He Told My Daddy On Me

I'm really cracking up over this one. It's not excessively funny from the outside looking in, but it is really sweet. I just think the concept is funny and the results are pulling at my heart strings.

I hear the girls (other pardesi's) talk of their desi husbands bringing his mother into any heavy discussions, disagreements or disputes between them. I know hubby has talked to his mother when he was having trouble figuring things out. While it's rare for me to go to my parents for relationship advice, I know that it's common in the US for people to talk to their parents just in the same way.

So after living here for a while and hearing these stories from other girls I got the idea I was going to discuss some things directly with hubby's parents. He and I had talked about some things going on in this house that bothered me and I know there's a language barrier that keeps hubby from being able to effectively go between me and his parents sometimes.

I had it all planned out. I was going to sit down with them after FIL came home but before hubby did. This meant that I would have to get the kids to translate. I know they don't know more than hubby but it would be a fresh perspective and maybe we could settle some things. So I told hubby my plans. He got nervous and instead solved the issue on his own. He did 100% right by me and took on the man of the house role as is expected after a son gets married and settled in life.

Only problem is, my ingenious idea backfired. This is the funny part. Let me give you the background information first.

I'm not a young woman. I left my parents home at age 17 close to 20 years ago.
In getting closer to this trip I've been emotional and so I've been going out more and more, much to hubby's dismay. I've been dragging him out almost every single day and even going out on my own quite a bit. Poor thing gets worried sick when I go out alone and so after I told him I was going to talk to his parents, he got me good.

It started with me telling my dad I'm being a pain in the ass right now and my dad saying he felt sorry for hubby. The next day hubby emailed him to tell him that I'm a lot of trouble and I keep going out alone and that if something bad happens to me he wants my dad to know it's not his fault. I won't listen to him and heed his warnings. I know in some ways this isn't funny at all, but I find it hilarious. I even encouraged it. This is what he wrote: (This is the sweet part.)

"hello dad hope u fine and things good with you. I just wanted to tell you,as u know Kristy drive my butt crazy lol, now for last few weeks she wanted me to let her go alone and do things alone I am really worried I don't wanna disappoint her so I leave her by herself on malls in these days and went to work but its hard for me to concentrate on work because she cant speak native language no body speak English either people here stare at women or flirt with women like crazy esp. when u white ,there is always risk to get robbed or hurt or kidnapped for money those all thoughts running in my mind all the time when she out, I cant say no because she gonna be mad or sad so I am sharing this with you. I am really worried ,need ur advice"

And my dad's response:
"Sometime's even when we are worry about the one we love we have to allow them the space to do thing that they want to do just so they will be happy. I know She is hard headed and sometimes don't listen to what may be the best thing but. However it is okay to worry about her. Just try and get though the short period of time before she come's home and let her have a little time by herself and things will be fine. I know I worry about her being there a lot because of the different in culture's but I know she is in good hands with you so that gives me peace of mind. Just hang in there for a few more days and she will be gone over here for a little while and be back to you before you know it. Time will pass faster than you know. So tell her I said to listen to you before she gets in trouble. Take care and will talk to you later."

That was really sweet of both of them (all but my dad telling him to tell me to listen). If you shorten up my dad's response, it reads something like 'don't worry, you'll be rid of her soon, just hang in there.' I get my stubborn streak from my dad so he knows it's not controllable. Of course, now I feel awful that poor hubby is so worried about me. This is a growing process for both of us.

I've done quite a bit by myself without knowing Punjabi. Many employees at the mall speak good English. I haven't had any trouble getting things done by myself thus far. Even when I killed my Flavours card three times because I kept dropping it right next to my mobile phone, I managed to get the replacement and my money without any real trouble. I signed up for some store perk cards (in which I gave them hubby's information) and successfully paid for many purchases without any issue. I actually get eve-teased a lot less when I'm alone.

Shunning and Disrespect Work Both Ways

I told myself for the longest time I was above such childish behavior. I held out pretty well considering. But I'm tired of the crap and done with the bullshit. I put forth a very strong effort for 16 months to be respectful toward family members, guests and to heed the household rules, even against my better judgement. I strived for peaceful resolutions to all conflicts between our cultures and it got me nowhere. And in an effort to leave this place without holding a grudge against all the bad things that have went on I put all of my differences aside and let go of just about everything that bothered me.

Hubby and I had come to terms on some things I felt I needed to change so that I could continue living here. It was going great. Then the same old selfish bitch bullshit crept up and now I've had it. It's absolutely crap and no Indian would would ever put up with this and I told them so.

Though it seemed like it at first, they clearly did not welcome me into their home. (I'm speaking collectively for all that has happened this year.) At least not the women in this family. FIL has been the only person who has made me feel at home. He always speaks to me when we pass each other in the house. He makes sure if I need any groceries that they are picked up. So I have no ill feelings toward him but the rest of this family I'm done with.

Apparently it was going to start a war for chachi to clean her old junk (junk that isn't used) out of the kitchen so I could use it for my last few months here. She already has to clean it out in a year or two for two cousins to move in so she just can't handle any more trauma of having to share the house. MIL backed her up and then FIL offered to build me my own kitchen. So I'm now shunning ALL of them (except FIL). It started last Saturday evening.

Then on Sunday some random guest showed up who I don't know. I was on the phone with my family and hubby explained to them I was not coming down and I was not to be bothered. He ran out to do some errands and low and behold MIL brought the woman to my room. I was on the phone, internationally (obviously) with my mother. I wasn't about to hang up, it's mother's day and I wasn't ditching my mother for someone I didn't even know and had never seen. And no, calling back later wasn't an option either because my mother has a life and had plans for the day.

So MIL and this woman walked in, sat down on my bed with their backs turned to me and started talking to each other. They kept getting louder and louder and so I got up and walked out to continue my call. Yes, that is disrespectful to them but they were also being disrespectful to me. Given the fact I have no good feelings toward them right now, I don't care how offended they get. I'm done being the token white girl. It's utter bullshit. If you can't be bothered to include me as part of the family on a daily basis, then I won't be your after dinner entertainment for guests.

This isn't all I've done. I've effectively removed any and all reasons for MIL to enter my room. And I'm doing it spitefully and publicly - just as they would. One example, I've taken over my own laundry - MIL's absolute favorite chore and her main excuse to come into my room. I will be packing up my stuff from the kitchen as I can use it up. I am determined to make this statement as bold as possible. So when I leave, they will know it's not on good terms and if I choose not to come back until right before hubby's interview then they'll know for certain I have no interest in living with their crap anymore.

Yep, I'm now back to being undecided as to whether or not I should come back and it sucks because I love my husband and he's doing right by me but our relationship is being strained by his family. It's amazing how so many Indian men let their families cause tension in the home just to force his spouse to try to bend herself to maintain peace - that's supposed to be the DILs job. Sadistic bullshit, that's what I call it. The United States Marine Corps uses just the same tactics to break down entrants in boot camp and remold them into what the military needs them to be (only on a much faster scale). Since I am not military, I have no interest in having my character ripped out and replaced with the Indian version of a choti bahu. I will always be a living, breathing human being with my own thoughts and emotions. I don't want someone elses. I like my own just fine.

Yes, I realize these are cultural differences but if they're not willing to bend an inch, then neither am I. I've bent enough to try and keep the peace and all it got me was disrespected, shunned and rejected. Well, those behaviors all work both ways. So when in Punjab, act as the Punjabi's do.

Oh, and just so ya'll know. Chachi is the youngest wife in the entire family. So that means when she came here, she was given free reign of the house, she took over over half of the space and has dominated it for about (my estimate) 17 years now. Obviously, someone got their choti bahu bullshit twisted somehow. MIL is the elder wife and she backs down and doesn't assume the lead wife role.